Photo: Vulture; Photo: Warner Media
This week, we take a little field trip to the upstate version of Sun Valley Billionaires Summer Camp. Even the humble teacher Kate arrives as Monet’s private tutor. The kids may be fine, but the parents certainly aren’t. Greyson and Camille de Haan hatch a plan to take down Gossip Girl, or at least that’s what they want us to think. Greyson walks out with a million-dollar reward for the Gossip Girl identity, Camille pretends to be working against her husband, and the pair set a trap that Kate and her impatient ass easily fall into. I have a lot of questions about Kate’s undercover efforts. As she calls out to Camille (using a vocoder, of course), she randomly hides behind the bushes, drawing an unrealistic amount of attention to herself. Why wouldn’t she make the call quietly in a safe place? The answer: Kate is chaotic. Camille blurts out that she is using Nick Lott as a pawn and that he is carrying the key to free Gossip Girl from prison. Kate snatches the USB before Camille has a chance to take it from Nick and exposes Greyson’s anti-union efforts, which he blames on Nick, Helena Bergmann’s poor business practices (which were actually Heidi’s), and Aki’s infidelity, which It is the straw that broke the camel’s back. max
The de Haans desperately need to get a life. They are too rich and too connected to be messing around with an anonymous gossip blog. If you want to nag Nick Lott for looking for a new opportunity, do it. Speaking of which, I’m really glad Nick’s career is (apparently) ruined. The law firm Lott? Be serious. Nick’s been with the de Haans for…six episodes? That’s, what, six weeks? They would definitely revoke Nick’s signing bonus if he were to get out of this quickly, which he can’t afford, plus any strong non-competition they certainly have in place. Surpassing your overlord requires surpassing, not acting like an amateur. Obviously, Greyson has friends in high places and would find out about Nick’s escape plan, and it’s only a matter of time until he and his wife discover Gossip Girl’s identity by checking the guest list. However, I wonder if it ever crossed their minds that Gossip Girl might not have easily checked in upon arrival. If I were Gossip Girl, I’d avoid leaving traces. Monet, meanwhile, is aware of his parents’ extracurricular activities and tips off Julien, whose goal of taking down Gossip Girl could come true now that Little Z is involved.
Aki attends the summit out of obligation; she hasn’t seen her father, media mogul Roger Menzies, in months, and we, the audience, are owed at least one more Malcolm McDowell appearance. Audrey and Max accompany him on his dates because the trio is in trouble and needs a weekend getaway. Max catches himself telling his partners that he loves them in the throes of passion, and Audrey and Aki freeze. At school, Max doubles down and admits that he meant what he said. Once again, Audrey and Aki freeze up.
Julien tries to ruin their relationship using the oldest trick in the book: flower delivery from fake senders, and Audrey finds out about Aki’s infidelity with Ingrid. When Aki catches a maid taking a photo, she says Julien paid her $50 to document the moment. This price seems low even for Julien, who has no money. (Actually, I don’t know the trust fund status of him, but let’s assume he’s currently low on cash.) But Aki says that she will duplicate him if he tells his girlfriend that it was all set up. This, ladies and gentlemen, is drip economics in action.
It is unclear if Audrey and Aki plan to confess to Max about Ingrid while in Rhinebeck, but they stand by him as Roger Menzies questions the trio about their relationship, and Audrey seems to be about to say that she loves him too. All it takes is one pressure alert to bring your shaky foundation crashing down. Max wants some respect, for yelling out loud. He’s sick of being left out. This was certainly true in the early stages of their relationship, but lately, he feels like he’s had a lot of time with Audrey and Aki. I’m sure the three of them will reconcile after Max goes through the five stages of self-destruction with Heidi, who is capable of much more than we thought. Throwing your mother in jail is one thing, but accusing her of your own mistake? That’s cold blooded.
If you’re looking for any sort of endorsement or mention of Jordan and Kate as a couple, you’re not going to find it here. Keep scrolling.
• Seen: the blue Balenciaga Cagole and Julien’s bad wig.
• Aki lives up to his bro/himbo movie title once again this week sporting a Night of the Living Dead buttoning up, pressing play on Zatoichi, dropping Wenwen and Bonnie’s name, and telling Audrey that he loves the way her scary mind works.
• Someone who throws a tomato—“not even a family heirloom”—at Monet is gold.
• We didn’t get as much Luna La as I would have liked, but at least the Luna we did get was up to her neck in her sidekick dynamic with Max.
• Kudos to Jordan for asking the question we’ve all been asking: Is Greyson de Haan’s $1 million reward before taxes?